Family Issues
by Allycatt
Summary: ONE SHOT. The story of a couple of days in the life of Hermes after Hermaphroditus is born. Told from Hermes' POV. Humorous; well that's what is intended. Slight bad language, minor adult themes and minor threat. K-plus to T


"Hermes!"

Zeus' voice thundered though the clouds. I sighed and pulled myself out of the lake where I had been bathing. And I'd just managed to get some peace and quiet. I pulled on my winged sandals and made my way back up to Olympus. "Yes, Zeus?" I said standing before my father, tilting my head to look into his face. Oddly, I always called my father by his first name, never by anything else. Upon studying his appearance, and noticing the anger in his face, I sighed and wondered what he was going to blame me for now.

"Hermes, kindly explain to me why Aphrodite has bore another child," He said calmly. I shook my head, looking oblivious. "The child," He continued, "Is named Hermaphroditus."

I shrugged. "I don't know. Odd, last time I saw Aphrodite she wasn't pregnant," I retorted. In fact last time I had seen Aphrodite she looked very nice indeed…

"You've been away longer than you think. Nine months, to be precise," Zeus said, his voice slightly increasing in volume. I thought back, counting the months. Six months in Tartarus (yeah, that was fun. Not. I'd took Persephone down there, then had to stay; Hades needed a hand with all of the new spirits coming in from the Trojan war, and then, of course I had to bring Persephone kicking and screaming back to her mother), one in Crete, and then two in Athens. Nine months. I bit my lip.

"And you think he is mine?" I asked, trying to force some innocence into my voice.

"I know he is. Hermes, is it impossible for you to keep your self composed? This is the fifth time you have impregnated Aphrodite, who is my son's wife, after all. How many times have I told you this?!" Zeus boomed. Anger swelled inside me.

"Your _son_? So, I'm not your son, father? He is my half-brother. _Half_. You're having a rant at me about adultery, when you are more adulterous then us all! And Aphrodite doesn't count as you daughter? I know how disloyal you are to your wife. I'm just influenced by your example," I said scornfully. Zeus remained silent so I continued. "And the others are worse than me. You don't have a go at Apollo. Or Aphrodite." I fell silent, as my father's eyes darkened. Could it be from shame? Or just anger?

"Come, boy. Your are to see you off-spring," Zeus said quietly, and led me to Aphrodite's room. Even from outside I could hear her cooing over the child. Great. I pushed aside the silk curtains and walked into the pillared room. There was Aphrodite leaning over a bundle of squirming blankets. I cringed. You'd think after eight unwanted children a man would learn. I mentally slapped my self as I walked to Aphrodite. She heard me coming and looked up. She smiled broadly, her blonde curls framing her angelic face.

"Hermes," her musical voice echoed throughout the room as she beckoned me over. "Look at you're beautiful son."

I looked at the baby. Beautiful was the word. But, son? This creature's features were much to feminine to be of a boy's. Aphrodite held him out me and I unwillingly took him into my arms. I couldn't help but smile at the boy's happy face. Quickly, I checked under the blankets. Yep, definitely a boy. I smiled a forced smile at Aphrodite and handed him back.

"What was his name?" I asked, my voice breaking half way through. I was nervous and embarrassed; overly aware that Zeus was watching from the door way.

"Hermaphroditus. I named him after the both of us." Aphrodite said grinning, showing me her pearly white teeth. How original, I thought, grimacing slightly.

"Heh, yeah. That's great Aphrodite," I spoke through my teeth, a forced smile on my face.

---

Every inhabitant of Olympus moaned as Hermaphroditus woke up crying. Again. This was the third time tonight. And I'd had to get up for him every time. This time, I decided, it was Aphrodite's turn.

But he didn't stop. I moaned and put my cloud-like pillow over my head in an attempt to block out the noise.

"You gonna shut him up, Hermes?"

I sat up and looked into the face of my half-brother, scowling. "No," I answered and lay back down.

"Ok, fine. So how you dealing with it all, Daddy?" Apollo mocked a smirk wide across his face. "What's it like to be a father, eh? Mind you, I should have asked a long time ago. You know, when you had your first k-" Apollo was cut short as I threw my pillow at his face.

The air fell quiet once again.

"Finally. I reckon that kid's got more of a mouth on him that you have," Apollo chuckled.

"Get. Out." I said, closing my eyes. It was times like this that I felt really sorry for Artemis. Having a twin brother like that, I don't know how she can get any peace.

"Fine, fine, I'm going," Apollo stood up, but turned as he reached the columned archway, that acted as a door to my bedroom. "Oh, and, Hermes, just a warning. Ares said, and I quote; 'if that stupid baby of Hermes' cries one more time, he better hope those winged sandals of his are fast.' So yeah, n'night,"

I sighed as I rolled over. Great, now the God of War has a death wish for me. So much for brotherly love.

---

Well, would you guess what? Hermaphroditus cried again, and now I've got to go and escort dead people to the Underworld with a black eye. Joy. It's never fun having people laugh at you, but having dead people do it it's even worse. They may just be souls of the departed, but they can be bloody annoying. Especially when your doing them a favor and they're just shouting insults at you.

So I sat alone in the great big library. God knows (no pun intended) why we have it. It's just full of ancient books about things no-one needs to know. But, apparently Athena likes it, and what Athena says goes. Unless, of course, you like the feeling of an owl pecking at your flesh. Anyway, I sat alone in the great big library holding a piece of meat to my eye. I think it was part of the Hydra Hercules managed to rid the world of the year before. Whatever it was it sure stank.

There were footsteps from behind me and I turned my head to see Apollo walking towards me. Yay, just what I wanted. An obnoxious Sun God making fun of me.

He clapped me on the back as he sat down, "So, it looks to me like little Hermaphroditus cried again," He said smirking. I guessed he had noticed my eye.

"You think," I said sarcastically, rolling my eyes. I flinched. Note to self: don't roll your eyes; it hurts your bruise. Sighing, I put the smelly slice of meat beside me and stood up, hoping that Apollo wouldn't follow suit.

I swear, if I'd had known about how much trouble kids could be, I'd have made the vow to stay a virgin, like Athena and Artemis. Who am I kidding; no I wouldn't. Still, It's times like this where I honestly wish I could die. Immortality sure is a bitch.

---

**A/N: I know the events are pretty mixed up and not in order. It was never attended to be accurate. Never. I hope you enjoyed it! Reviews make Erised happy. So please just click the review button :)**


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